Submission #3

Are Cell Phones Good For Society?

Cell phone is a favourite tool in communication. It gives us opportunity to chat with our family, friend and many more. Now Days, It has many other functionality such as messaging, browsing website and managing our duties. In addition, it helps police in their job by the contribution between citizen and law. When resident sees any crime, he can capture it by his mobile and send it to police. As a result, the number of crime reduced. On other hand, the criminal can use it as trigger of bombs without any one be aware of what he do. Finally, the cell phone is Double-edged sword so it can be used either in good or bad way.

Constructive Criticism

Here, we have problems that must be addressed.

1. Structure. It’s a single paragraph; that’s a no-no on a language test. It’s not divided into Introduction, Body, and Conclusion.
2. No Opinion. Yes, the cell phone is a double edged sword, but what is the writer’s opinion on which side of coin the cell phone falls?
3. Plural confusion. Cell phones, plural. A cell phone is; cell phones, are. The reason we refer to cell phones is because they exist in more than one type; this weighs against our speaking of “The cell phone,” which would be, on the other hand, grammatically correct. “Cell phone is” just won’t do.  The “number of crime” (without the s) is another error in the same vein.
4. Jargon. I am well aware that “mobile” (short for “mobile phone”) is standard terminology in the United Kingdom but, given that I made the subject about “cell phones,” a writer needs to be careful not to make an essay incompatible with international English by use of jargon specific to one country. Well, it depends who you’re writing for, and where.

Overall

This is a typical example of an essay by a non-native speaker who has a long way to go before mastering the format. Even though I completely understand the points made here, and completely understand how they are meant (presenting both sides of the argument), this does not negate the fact that the English persuasive essay exists to weigh both sides and push one of those sides forward. As difficult as this may be for some, if you don’t have an opinion, you have to pick a side – and then write the essay. Otherwise, you’re just not demonstrating you can argue one side of an argument.

This can be a hard thing, but it is necessary for success.